Fog blankets everything as my high speed train rips through the Spanish countryside, traveling at 317km/hour, en route to Madrid. The last train that I will ride on this journey, before departing for home by plane. The fog creates a very pleasant, sleepy, and serene setting. Like the train is in a cloud, riding on and on, not having an origin or destination, but just going. I am half asleep, and the soft shades of white are easy on the tired eyes, making it feel like I am in a dream. My headphones stream the cool and laid back melodies of Odesza, and I drift off, recollecting all the beautiful moments and memories that have been forever engrained in my soul.
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In light of the Paris attacks, it still shakes me to recall the memories of us sitting in that same café in Paris, on a particularly warm night, having the time of our life, drinking wine, lost in conversation, absorbing the atmosphere. Not at any moment did a single thought pass that something could go wrong. That night was destined to be perfect.
I can only picture how abruptly it would have been interrupted had someone burst in and began to slaughter people. I wouldn't have time to adjust, to react. I would probably be among the dead. And as much as I would like to think that I was "destined" to be there just 3 weeks prior, the reality is that I was just plain lucky. Yet others were not so lucky. Others will not be coming back from a night out, or work, or from their Europe trip. I think of all the friends I was with in my hostel. I can not imagine to find out that a dorm mate was not coming back. Ever. I extend my sympathy to all the families and friends and backpackers who had to go through this tragedy. I hope that you will heal, that life will go on, that your travels will continue. It is easy for me to tell myself that things happen for a reason. That it is my destiny to be where I am now. It is a coping mechanism which I somewhat recently adopted. But as I sit here in my plane seat 04A on my flight from Palermo I can not help but tell myself that it is bullshit and that I am always making conscious decisions that determine my path in life. Like choosing my education. Choosing who to date. Taking risks by traveling. Taking risks by climbing. By snowboarding. The only difference is so far, I have been able to walk away unharmed. There are trains derailing every year, there are planes going missing, there are terrorist attacks. There are people who die traveling, working, just living their normal lives. It seems like in this day and age there is an increased risk to be in densely crowded places. But let's think about how many such crowded places exist in the world. It is not destiny, nor can anyone predict when a tragedy is going to unfold. But what is to be learned or concluded from this? (I believe...)That we should be supportive and humble in times of loss. That we should be cautious and alert. But certainly not afraid to live our lives to the fullest. Because at the end, the experience of our existence, the memories we have made, the impact we had on others is all that will remain. And I can only hope that for those who's lives were cut short or those still living that (in the end) we shall be remembered as legends. I am curious by nature. I want to know what people are thinking, what is around the corner of a canyon wall... I want to push the boundaries of my ability and imagination.
That is why I went on this trip. I wanted to find myself. I wanted to meet me in the middle of an old European square amidst thousands of people and just get to know me. I realized this one day, as I was wondering, if there was anyone in the world, at that exact moment, thinking if there is someone like me. Someone exactly like me. And I think that it is not just a desire which I have, it is common among humans to feel the need to be connected to someone similar to yourself. But after some time, this thought began to evolve into the idea that perhaps instead of looking for a connection with someone, I should begin to first have a connection with myself. Because within my mind I am not always unified with one thought, one feeling. There are many different scattered thoughts, mixed emotions, doubts, fears... And to connect, or better, to unify these things is only something which comes after the realization and acknowledgement of each individual one. Understanding it. Allowing it develop and exist freely. Then examining the relationship or impact it has on the other thoughts and feelings. It is something that can come after a long time of complete honesty with oneself. You have to allow yourself to open up, realize those feelings, and be vulnerable with yourself. Too often we feel the need to hide within our feelings, because we do not wish to confront them, feel embarrassed by them, want to just feel positive... As society expects us to.. However it is not sustainable to practice this in the long run, because the longer that we run, the more that we hide, the more we lose ourselves in the sea of emotion. Self awareness is what makes the mind strong, resilient. It is to have discipline over your own actions, to be a master of your own mind. It can help to overcome challenges that perhaps one did not think they could overcome. And because of that I will continue to explore my mind, and challenge my ability, and urge others to do the same... Because even a small trickle of curiosity about ones own self can trigger a great flood of self discovery, understanding, and balance. |
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April 2016
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